Choo-Choo

Sleepless nights, endless bottle feedings and stinky diapers . Fast forward into homework, projects, friendships, freedom, trust, growing up, puberty, peer pressure,heartbreak, test scores, college, aspirations. When is the right time for each? How do you know who to trust? How do you give freedom and trust through all the worrying? When does helping cross the line into hovering? How do you rebuild, reprimand, get your point across without breaking down character traits.Should certain character traits be broken down and reformated? Nothing anyone could have said to me as a warning would have prepared  me for what was to come. The extreme chore of being responsible for an entire human being's life can be overwhelming. Most of the time I like to say that the rewards outweigh the  worry, the mirrored imaged of myself at that age is enough. Milestones should drown out anxiety and guilt.  Frankly, I consider myself pretty intelligent, but it appears that my inferencing skills need some sharpening up. I've had this recurring nightmare in which I hear the train coming, I'm standing on the tracks, then I see the flashing light coming at me, try to move away but I'm frozen. I end up getting run down by the train. At the end of this dream, I am watching myself from above thinking..."Why didn't you move faster? Who stands on train tracks anyways? You should've seen this coming"

*This post was originally written in  October 2012, when I was dealing with teen angst, their choices, and trying to figure out when to step aside and let them make their own mistakes.

The D Word

As a mom, 100% of the time I want only the best for my boys, I worry. I map out their futures. I teach them life skills. Sometimes I fall into the trap of complaining about how much work it is, forgetting that I once went through the tumultuous teenage years myself. When I fall into this trap, I don’t give them credit for all the good things, like the kindness in their hearts, their good will, their unconditional love. Both of them have the ability to always look on the bright side, a quirky sense of humor that makes me laugh, and if they see me looking sad or frumpy, immediately their eyebrows furrow and worry comes across their faces.  It infuriates me that some may not believe in them the way I do.

Sometimes, I tend to cover the sun with one tiny little finger. I try to rectify what I believe to have been mistakes, by giving my arm to twist. I try to keep the peace, not stirring things up that may cause an argument.  Somehow, my keeping the peace has turned me into a bit of a doormat; being taken advantage of has turned into an equivalent of keeping the peace. Disappointment and a bit of shock have filled my soul for the past two days. Denial, hopelessness, regrets…none of those emotions compare to the heartache that comes from disappointment. As usual, I've obsessed and over thought this trying to come up with a solution. A middle point, that really is not so middle because I end up losing a little in order to keep the so called peace. Have you seen how many times the word “peace” has come up? It’s a basic need for me. Having gone through a few years when I felt like I couldn't breathe in my own home, finding peace for me is essential crucial. Sacrificing my peace is a deal breaker.  But there is  always a loophole, and today I found it: Momentarily, peace can be disrupted by the confrontation necessary to cure disappointment.  Sometimes, people just need to be put in their place, it takes a backbone to stand straight and tall, not to hide behind my peace sign.   

Luckily, I have been blessed with people in my life who can show me the other side of disillusion.  They contribute compassion and humanity. They root for me, extending an arm of kindness asking nothing in return. They make me laugh and restore my faith, that disappointment may not be permanent. They open my eyes to the fact that although some may not have faith in the success of my boys, it’s irrelevant to the actual success they are going to achieve.

It is not common knowledge that I can be an over thinker, stubborn, and boy can I hold a grudge. Many times God has thrown me pebbles, like Oprah says, but the hints couldn't get past the thick cloud surrounding my brain with whatever I was obsessing over. Eventually, the pebbles have turned to giant stones that cause tidal waves to splash me into reality. No splashing necessary today, I feel the pebbles, and I’m moving forward, losing the fear, and keeping the peace. 

 

Answer's in the Blood

     Summertime is usually buzzing with activity. Sun splattered beach days, afternoon purchases at Sunset Place, late nights with cocktails in plastic cups thanks to ladies' night specials. Triple appointments for the kids and myself to the dentist, the dermatologist, and primary care physicians for check ups.In between we squeeze in some pool time, picnics, Mexican nights with the family, and a traditional trip to the water park in West Palm. Last year I managed to do all this and squeeze in two weeks in Europe, while on an extensive and complicated budget because I was not getting paid.
    This summer has been pretty uneventful. I've been feeling tired, sleepy, extremely grumpy. Something was feeling off, defective, non compliant.  I turn down invites, then feel guilty because I am disappointing someone,which then turns me grumpy and question who I am. It brings me back to that place when I was just working mommy and nothing else was happening in my life because I could not handle two little kids, their events, and my work. Hadn't I moved passed this?Was I regressing? Seemed so.  If I have cocktails, the next day I can't function. If I go out during the day, I need to sleep or nap. Emotionally this can be draining, wanting to be in one place and fighting with myself knowing I was pushing the limits. During the school year I figured my new waking up at 5:30 A.M. schedule was to blame for all the stress, sleepiness, and weight gain, but for the past month and half that hasn't been the case; things just have not been adding up. There was so much to do this summer. Photography course, a girls trip to Key West, painting walls and organizing closets.
     
     Surprisingly, a trip to the ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialist led to an ultrasound of my thyroid, which in turn lead to blood test...and Voila! Suddenly there are answers.I am not crazy, well at least not entirely. There are thyroid issues and anemia issues, and I feel extremely grateful for the diagnosis. Don't get me wrong, I am not grateful to be sick. Just grateful to have some answers. All of this dis-balance inside my body validates how I've been feeling lately. Overwhelmed, overbooked,exhausted, and fat.
   
    There is hope. There will be some medicine, some Iron supplements, changes to my diet and these will stabilize and possibly eliminate all the thyroid and anemia creepy crawlies that add fatigue and excessive worrying to my day. I am also relieved to know that I am not just plain old and tired. One day at a time or sometimes one hour at a time, I will conquer one by one my aspirations to take a photography class, become financial savvy, and establish a healthy balance of friendly get togethers. It's amazing how released one can feel by having their blood read. 

Spun

Sometimes you have to look back in order to move forward.

Sometimes you have to look back in order to move forward?

Yes, I repeated it. I’m not sure if it’s a statement or a question.

I'm grateful to have spun looking back from a sad passtime, into a positive tool. Fortunately for us, we can choose how we do this, but don’t confuse this with not looking back or forward at all.

I have

Looked back to remind you of how you hurt me to win an argument…

Looked back to identify patterns of misbehavior just to protect myself…

Looked back with guilt at the damage divorce caused on my boys...

Looked back to properly lay all my eggs in the right basket, never risking an error…

Looked back to gossip…

Looked back at disappointment as an excuse to chicken out…

Looked back at heartbreak to assemble a brick wall…

Looked back out of fear…or worse anger…

Inevitably, these forms of looking back lead to resentment, fears of commitment, second guessing...

But now,

When I look back at newborn photos I recall that my sometimes ungrateful teens are responsible for opening my heart, and that there was a time when I didn’t expect a “thank you”, just a chubby, toothless smile…

When I look back at doubt and broken dreams, I feel joy and pride in how my boys healed and grew, forcing me to be brave...

When I look back at a failed marriage I see a lesson in humility, finances, and letting go…

When I look back at lonely times, my feet start to ache, for loneliness led to the rediscovery of stilettos and salsa dancing...

When I look back at the incessant hours spent planning and grading my first years of teaching, I see a time when 27 non readers entered in the fall, and 27 proud readers left in June…

When I look back at friendships lost, I see a friendship gained for a certain period of time...

When I look back at all the arguments with my mother, the incoherence of her sensitivity, I see a chance to recognize my own overly delicate points of pressure…

When I look back at an invisible father I see a doorway to an unconditional grandfather…

When I look back at unreciprocated love I see front row ticket to experience love from someone who treasures me…

Once again, It's all about perspective.

Looking back, I can connect stepping stones to the future, experience a little Deja Vu, and move forward.   

If looking back means you can’t move forward because you’re hopelessly attached to actions, disenchantments,  or people in  the past, then your heart is tied to a rope that will let you run, but will never allow you the freedom to fly….

I deserve to fly. So do you.

Alice...

There are many versions of fairy tales. If you look back, the Brothers Grimm had some seriously different versions of Cinderella and The Little Mermaid. I'm rewriting the story of Alice. Any resemblance to characters in real life is strictly coincidental.

     Once upon time Alice woke up from what seemed to be a dream that happened over and over again. She fell into a rabbit hole of change and transformation. New shoes, new perception, new priorities; but most importantly  new characters.
     Reality has changed. The sunglasses that covered up all the sunshine are gone. Trekking through the forest, making her way to the city Alice met the Rabbit. Now, this was no ordinary bunny. This bunny had it all figured out, or so it seemed on the outside. Together Alice and the Rabbit discovered areas of the forest and of each other that changed everything. Alice steered the Rabbit with advice and wisdom only an experienced human could share with a furry creature.  Many times the bunny was tasked with pulling Alice out of dangerous traps set by bigger, angrier animals.
     Still lost in the forest, Alice came across the ever smiling Cheshire Cat. Like the bunny, this was no ordinary Cat. The Cat was filled with innovative ideas. It always knew where the fun was hiding. It offered words of wisdom and  figured out the bright side of any sticky situation. Naturally, Alice, the Rabbit, and Cheshire Cat came together and formed an instant bond. Many days of amusement lay ahead for these three. Whether battling evil queens or socializing with the mad hatters, they had each other's backs. Listening, never judging, and never holding back. Offering each other shoes, french fries, direction and good advice (or at least what they thought was good advice at the time) they could count on each other. New characters came and went and mingled, as these lives intertwined, finding the end of the forest and taking off into the bright city lights. Encountering princes, bartenders, and many frogs along the way.
     One day, Cat and Rabbit broke their vow of listening and not judging. Broke is small. They shattered it. Leaving only remains of their shot glasses, neither of them listened, neither of them stop judging, and both of them were hurt. Alice, wanting desperately to go back to the forest, turn back time, make everything right, yet not step on anyone's toes....was left with an impossible task and a sad heart. A great feeling of loss.While the mad hatters and soldiers are still around, time promises to heal. Unfortunately for this fairy tale, there is no happy ending...at least not yet. The Cat and the Rabbit have lost communication skills, involved third parties, and tried to put sunglasses on to cover a meteor flash.
    If only the Cat would see the green side again, if only Rabbit would pull out its clock.......
To be continued.


The theme to Alice, is not the Prince Charming will one day come and rescue you. In wonderland, alone and lost, Alice finds friendship. A team to count on. Confidants to build with, to rebuild, to grow. A rescue team beats a one time frog. Sometimes we need to see the bigger picture. One or two or three incidents don't define who we are as a person or who we are as a friend. Taking a step forward, directly addressing a mishap, or two mishaps, by clearly stating the problem and possible solution is what grown ups do. An apology, a proper apology goes a long way. Forgiveness makes us stronger. Forgiveness makes us powerful.


   

Thin lines

     You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that goes from your bellybutton, through your chest, causes palpitations, and makes you want to puke? Ok, so this can be anything from heartburn to heartbreak, let me be more specific. That gut feeling in your stomach gives you a hint or an answer. You get it when you have a feeling something is wrong, when someone you love is hurt, when you know you're not going to get the job you want, or that boy you like is not going to call. Some people call this feeling "intuition".
     Is intuition always right? Is it part of our physical makeup? Is it a part of our imagination that makes us think we know something? It's definitely a sensitive connection between the mind and the stomach, but is it to be trusted? 
     If your child, your friend, your co-worker,whoever has made a statement that your "intuition" disagrees with, do you just accept it? Can you say "but I just know..". After all, is that belly pit feeling accurate? It wouldn't be admitted as court evidence...so do we just set it aside?
     Sometimes you just have to deal with knowing the truth, those that are not being completely honest may have had unforseen circumstances which they'd rather not divulge (we've all been there). They may be trying to protect your feelings, or possibly their well being, or their job. This protection reflex is human instict. There's a very thin line between those two frenemies intuition/instinct. Two feelings that can work together like a well tuned violin and a harmonica, or can work against each other like lemon on an open wound.
     More questions than answers, but as usual I always have a lesson learned. What path will you let these frenemies take? Focus on the bigger purpose, the aerial view of the picture...how much will this matter in 1 year? In 5 years?  Whichever end these frenemies put you in, there are some truths that need to be said out loud, others just need to be understood.

Lessons Learned

     As I find myself a little over a month from my 34th birthday, I think it's time to share some lessons learned. I guarantee you, I do not know these things because I am smarter, I only know them because of experience. Trust me, my grandmother always said "mas sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo" and I rolled my eyes, thinking she was nuts.Every time I heard someone tell me about their experience, I thought: " Geez go away, I will never be in that situation". LOL! Lesson number 1: NEVER say NEVER! Life will throw you a curve ball once in a while, and whether it's the 9-5 job you never wanted, the eating disorder, the cheating husband, the alcoholic BFF, falling out of love, kids with a learning disability, ALL is fair.  One of those will be a curve ball in your life when you least expect it. So here go the rest of my lessons learned, and remember, judge the same way you'd want to be judged...which is (hopefully) not at all.
     Lesson#2 Forgiveness is to remember without feeling hurt: You know what I mean. That ex you can't remember without feeling a pain in your chest. Those girls in high school you hope never to run into again. The time your mom didn't let you go somewhere that you know would've been life altering. That place, that picture, that scent that takes you back to an unhappy time and literally feels painful. Those are all examples of unforgiven surroundings. The past cannot be changed, take a deep breath and let it go. Holding on only causes YOU pain, that ex and those girls, they're over it. You should be too.
     Lesson #3: What you want, is not exactly what you need: This is a tough one. I Need those $200 black Charles David shoes! Is that the same as "I WANT those $200 black Charles David shoes"? Try replacing need with want: I need to find a new boy to get over the old boy. I need to lose 20 lbs to go to the beach. I need to have a bigger house to have parties. Need and want are two different things. Expensive shoes, new boys,smaller bikinis,  bigger houses, none of those gets down to the root of the problem. Sometimes, all we really need is TIME. Time to get clean our closet and find our fabulous shoes in hiding.Time to work out our abs. Time to get over that tragic breakup. Time to de-clutter and fall in love with our current home.
     Lesson # 4: If you find someone you can trust, cherish them: Few are the people who will love you unconditionally. In general, it's usually only your mom and grandparents, because siblings don't offer that kind of treatment. So whether it's a friend or a lover, if someone is willing to be there through your ups and downs emotionally as well as physically, they're a keeper. Treat them with the same kind of kindness and don't judge them. As you get older, your list of true friends gets smaller. The lesson goes both ways. People who prove to be judgmental, make you feel uncomfortable, and in general just don't show acts of kindness....don't hesitate to be done with them.
     Lesson # 5: Love doesn't hurt!: Love, by definition, is a profound, tender feeling of warm personal or deep affection.Nowhere did Webster's dictionary say it's supposed to hurt! If it's hurting, it's not right. As much as we want to make a circle fit into a square, make excuses, try to create a tragic fairytale love story out of it, it's just not true. Someone who loves you will help you. They will say nice things about you. They will love your family. They will accept you for who you are.They will try to make you feel happy, as you will try to make them feel the same. They will not hurt you consistently and on purpose. They will think of you before making life altering decision that may affect your life and take your opinion into consideration. This is the kind of unselfish love found between parents and their kids, boyfriends/girlfriends, best friends, and any relationship where one truly feels affection for the other.
     So far, this is all I've got. My experience. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and most definitely smarter! I'm still one month away from 34, you never know what I might discover. In the meantime, remember to forgive. Be careful not to build up a wall that not even King Kong could cross, but don't be trampled on either. Establish the difference between want and need. It's imperative. Embrace the very special people whose hearts you know have touched yours and remain close to you for a reason. Let go of those that cause heart ache.
    Hopefully, this is helpful and someone will learn from it. I wish someone would've said to me like it is 5 years ago, I might have saved some time......Nah, I'm hard headed and I only learn from my own experience, hopefully you won't be.